words out of his mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask
that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously
or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.
Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us?
Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are?
We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away,
obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!
Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies
sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that
bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands
that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I
submit” position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions
that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.
Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this.
They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They
watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far for-
ward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They
check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying
acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a
slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your
face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing
relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or
the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assis-
tant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note
of your every fidget.
An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do
this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are
sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more
sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is
something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women
accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they
wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched
in her tears.)
The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the
dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their
tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your
thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.
Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the
1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attor-
ney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge
Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecu-
tion, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler,
sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his
defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned
back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.
You’re on Trial—and You Only Have
Ten Seconds
Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case,
everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether
they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the
same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken ques-
tion, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon
which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want
anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to
their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be,
“Wow! I really like you.”
When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his
arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind
Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come
home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he
opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower
bud unfolding to the sunshine.
Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little dif-
ference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps
and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject
a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off
with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his
loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to
her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a
rainstorm.
Treat People Like Big Babies
Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive,
recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter
with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many
companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of
work and out of a relationship.
At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both
personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood
talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would
find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of
these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes
graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her
shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation
as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was
trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why
doesn’t he come speak to us?”
Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because
of Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle,
I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of
the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters
willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned.
Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee.
“Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old
Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s
skirt, obviously craving attention.
“Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over
her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched
little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How
are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?”
Little Willie beamed.
When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments
of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I
returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate
beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued
casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none
of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue.
Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my
teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men
have come over and smiled at you.”
“Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the
room lest anyone overhear us.
“And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,” I continued.
“Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question.
“Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your
skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of
yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up
conversation?”
“Yee-es,” she answered haltingly.
“Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man
who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you
to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out
and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him
into our conversation.”
“Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.”
“Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another
attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role
to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward
him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accept-
ing Carla’s invitation.
After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my
departure because they were in animated conversation. The last
glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the
door on the arm of her new friend.
Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born.
It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from
whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate
jungle.
Technique #5
The Big-Baby Pivot
Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The
instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new
acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body
turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny
tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious
face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin.
Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I
think you are very, very special.”
Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is
rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special
he or she is.
The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion
that he or she is, indeed, the center of the universe.
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